You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The struggles of a small town man whore
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
