I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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