see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
All I want is dick and wine.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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