Yo dont text me then not text me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
