It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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