I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
