How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
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You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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