at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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