Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
