matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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