I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
