he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
pray to the hookup gods
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
