You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
