So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
