His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
