38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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