i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
