Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
