I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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