I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize