Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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