don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
