bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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