Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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