So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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