just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
