he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
