You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
