I can text with my tongue
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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