Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
