i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
