Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
