Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
