plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize