my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
