I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Randomize
