I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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