Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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