dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
