I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
