I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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