I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
