Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
