At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
