good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
