i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
