this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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