Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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