I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
