Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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