Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
