i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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