Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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