I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
