Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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