So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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