pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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