??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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