no, he came in my armpit
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
