Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She even gives head with a lisp.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
