we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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