hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
