Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
